Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
