me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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