Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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