I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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