God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
