On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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