mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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