He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
