My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
