i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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