I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this will be a night to untag.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You are the jesus of drinking
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
