Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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