swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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