Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
