dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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