I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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