You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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