i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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