she looked like the bat from fern gully.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
