i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The Olympian is in my bed
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
