Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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