four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
