I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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