naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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