just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
