no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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