I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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