My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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