I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
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I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.