Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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