Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
