I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
wow bdsm is so cute
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
