I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
