do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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