I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
