took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
