I'm going to jail i love you
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
