theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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