There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
