She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
