I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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