I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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