I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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