Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
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You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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