I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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