Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?