She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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