You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
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So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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