Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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