I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
