I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
