So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."