theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
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Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.