a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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