I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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