im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
