Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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